Little did Sister Compton know that I'd always had "the fear." It's a disease I probably caught at a young age and have been living with my entire life. There are a number of things I'm afraid of: an insect I can't even mention (regular pest control treatments are a necessity at our house), making a mistake, being misunderstood, not being accepted by people I care about, losing someone (or something) I love, losing control (an illusion in and of itself), or being injured emotionally. Serving a mission meant enduring almost constant torture. I remember being driven home from my mission by my parents, through Minnesota and North Dakota, anticipating the "release" to come. I was almost desperate to be allowed to not have to talk to everybody, not have to open myself up to being hurt almost every minute of every day.
Fear is not only debilitating, but destructive. I've been specifically warned against it (actually commanded, personally, to fear not.) I do though. Such a daily, almost hourly, sinner. It's pretty pitiful. I felt prompted to blog about fear today. Maybe it is important to let fears into the light. They love the dark. In Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, the dangerous "autumn people" were drawn by fears and fed on them. The only way to banish the evil was to not take it seriously, to laugh at it, and to love.
I am learning to Dare to Love in parenting and in other aspects of my life, rather than act (or rather react) in fear. Letting go of fear sets me free to love. "Love conquers all" is not the cliche I used to think it was, not when we're talking about the love of God. Aye, but "letting go", there's the rub. It's so hard. Fear is a tool of the devil. I should be able to drop it like a hot coal. But, no, I hold onto it, subconsciously thinking I know, better than God, how to live my life.
I taught at the Missionary Training Center for about year and a half while I was finishing up my studies at BYU. I remember doing a personal attribute assessment or gospel study alongside the missionaries in class one morning and coming to the realization that if I want the same sort of incredible blessings I enjoyed on a full-time mission, I need to be willing to go through the same kinds of agony. I will have to face my fears. I will have to be uncomfortable. I will have to choose the difficult way, as did Adam and Eve, in order to gain the greatest blessings.
Our decision to choose full inclusion for William has put me face-to-face with my fears in a way that reminds me of when I served a mission or when I chose to marry David. I am encouraged, of course, by a very clear feeling of spiritual direction, and by things I've heard and read lately that corroborate our decision. Still, I am plagued by doubts. Arg! I hate feeling like I'm swimming upstream against the current. But, as I do, I can choose whether to carry the weight of my fears or let them go--turn them over to the Lord--and be buoyed up His love that is the antithesis of fear.
4 comments:
Hey Becca, I didn't know you were a blogger. :) And a very good one at that! I loved this post and the one on inclusion. I related very well to your feelings. It's amazing what trials we're given in life, or what things we are lead to do, that help us to overcome our weaknesses. Fear is definitely one of mine, as well. I'm sure it will be a lifetime pursuit!
Thanks for this beautiful post, Becca! It was just what I needed to hear today. I think everyone suffers from the fear in some area of their life. Thanks for the reminder about how to overcome it...and why we need to! Beautiful!
Very interesting thought Becca. I have over the years been overwhelmed with feelings of dread, somewhat like your fear. I found a quote about dread that I thought you might like and correlates with your fear thoughts:
"Dread – comes unannounced and then consumes our feelings with its irrational sense of doom. Have you ever had the feeling of dread? I’m not talking about fear. Fear is immediate; fear is what kicks in when you are confronted with danger, a mugger with a gun, a stranger in your house. I’m talking about dread. Dread is persistent, it gnaws at you. You can’t ignore it. It just won’t go away. Because that is what dread is, it’s worrying about something you can’t do anything about. Dread can affect your job, your home, alter your entire personality.
Hope, like dread, often comes unannounced and then thankfully intoxicates us and inoculates our feelings with an exuberant sense of joy and optimism. Hope is the high, dread is the low. I guess life, is the stuff in between."
When feelings of dread consume me at times, I try to remember this and look for hope in my life. Realizing that hope is not my destination but my day to day journey, really helps. Just some thoughts.
Thanks for this Sis. I've been think a lot about fear recently in relation to my calling and being able to have the spirit with me at all times. Our high councilor on Sunday gave a great talk about giving ourselves permission to be who our Heavenly Father says we are. He said we as women have permission to be powerful. I can't quite capture what he said in writing but I was empowered by it. I know that as we trust in our Father in Heaven he will help us overcome our fears. Thanks for sharing! As someone who also hangs onto my fears too often, I loved hearing about how you are being couragious in battling yours. Love you!
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